We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
