When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
