i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
