I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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