Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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