I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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