you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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