Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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