i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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