Pappa wants mamma naked
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
