Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
