Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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