unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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