my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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