his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize