I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
