Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
