Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
