"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
