I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
