Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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