Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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