I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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