...so i touched it.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
