I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
