My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
