Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
