i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
