Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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