good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
