just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
