I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
