He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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