So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
