When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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