Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
