9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
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This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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