haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
