im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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