I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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