If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I wish there were birth control emojis
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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