Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
