i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
