I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
