oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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