I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
