I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
