24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
