remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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