please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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