Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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