We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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