yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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