i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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