we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
