My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
