I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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