It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't want my vagina anymore.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.