If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
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Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
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Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.